RBDSM, A Framework
A reframing of an old acronym into something I actually use as a checklist. Five letters, five conversations to have before and during anything that matters.
The five letters
Relationships
What outside relationships will affect what’s about to happen here? Other partners, work, family, friends, kids, housemates all pull on what’s possible and what’s healthy.
- Who else is impacted by what we’re doing?
- Are there agreements with other people I need to honor?
- What time, attention, or energy is already spoken for?
Boundaries
What am I opting in to and what am I opting out of for this. Sometimes called inclusive vs exclusive boundaries. See Consent, Boundaries & Rules for the longer version of how boundaries differ from rules and from desires, and the consent model for what a yes actually covers.
- Opt-in / inclusive: what I’d like to make room for.
- Opt-out / exclusive: what I won’t engage with.
- Where’s the line between “not today” and “not ever”?
Desires
How do I want to feel? What am I actually after: the energy, the texture, the experience? Desires aren’t a shopping list of activities. They’re the felt sense you’re reaching for.
- What would make me glad I said yes?
- If this goes well, what will I say about it the next day?
- What am I curious about that I haven’t said out loud yet?
Safety
Both emotional and physical safety. Safety is rarely about “will nothing go wrong.” It’s about “do we have what we need if it does?” The longer version of this lives in Risk: risk profiles, mitigation, and Emergency Action Plans.
- What does aftercare look like, for both of us?
- What trauma, history, or sensitivities will affect what happens, or how either of us responds in the moment?
- What tools or supplies do we need on hand to mitigate injury?
- What body limitations or medical issues need to be in the conversation?
- What signals will tell us we need to pause?
Meaning & Maintenance
What does this mean for us, now and in a week? How do we tend to it so it stays good over time, and how do we repair if something goes sideways?
- Is this a one-time thing or the start of something, for each of us?
- If one of us feels off afterward, even days later, who reaches out, and how?
- What keeps this good over months: a check-in text, a debrief, a night off?
- When do we talk about it again: tomorrow, next week, before next time?
How to use it
Walk the letters in order before something significant: a scene, a hard conversation, a new arrangement, a milestone. You don’t need polished answers. You need real ones. The point is to surface what would otherwise be assumed, and to make sure both people are working from the same picture. The way to walk it together is an Attunement Conversation, not a checklist interview.
Afterward, walk it again as a debrief. What in R shifted? Did any B need to move? Were the Desires met, or did they evolve? How did Safety hold up? And what does Maintenance look like from here?