Tools for showing up honestly
Consent, risk and repair for partner, rope and group practice.
Frameworks I keep coming back to. They aren’t rules. Use them as prompts for conversation, with yourself and with the people you share space with.
Do you want to be charmed with yourself?
Every page in Charmed. 20 pages.
Consent, Boundaries & Rules
How these three concepts differ, and why embodied consent is a healthier baseline than the popular enthusiastic-consent model.
Read →Self & relationalThe Consent Model
Consent has two halves: what's true inside you and what's true between you. Three questions, a map of the territory, and every tool's harm mode.
Read →Self & relationalThe Shapes of Yes
Different yeses authorize different things. Seven shapes of yes, each informed or uninformed, four kinds of maybe, the five messages inside a no, and the unspoken forms of all three.
Read →RelationalAsking Out Loud
Sometimes not asking is what caused the violation. Why assuming is the most common way good people cross a line, and how to ask so that no stays an easy answer.
Read →Self & relationalReceiving a No
How you react to a no decides whether you hear the next one. Taking a no, a stop, or a not-now well, and holding your own disappointment without handing it to them.
Read →Self & relationalEncourage the No
Respecting a no is the floor. Encouraging it is the work: lowering what no costs, so a yes actually means something.
Read →SelfListening to Your Own No
Self consent. Noticing when you are overriding yourself for a teacher, a partner, a scene, or a goal, and telling that apart from choosing intensity on purpose.
Read →Self & relationalPower Dynamics & Consent
Power changes what a yes can mean. Teachers, hosts, tops, the popular and the experienced carry more of the duty to ask, because the person with less power often cannot safely say no.
Read →Self & relationalAttunement vs Negotiation
Why I call them Attunement Conversations, and what shifts when everyone in the room is tuning to each other instead of bargaining.
Read →Self & relationalRBDSM, A Framework
Relationships, Boundaries, Desires, Safety, Meaning & Maintenance. A five-letter checklist for showing up well.
Read →Self & relationalRisk
When things happen, not if. Risk mitigation, risk profiles, and Emergency Action Plans for showing up prepared instead of surprised.
Read →Self & relationalStopping: Safewords, Stop Signals & Slowing Down
Safewords, stop signals, and what happens when someone freezes and cannot give one. Stopping is a skill you practice before you need it.
Read →SelfAgency, Discernment & Embodied Validation
Three muscles you build together: knowing you have a choice, knowing what your choice actually is, and checking the answer with your body.
Read →Self & relationalRepair & Accountability
You will hurt people. Accountability is what you do. Repair is what the person you hurt actually needs. They aren't the same thing.
Read →Self & relationalWhen Someone Tells You
Someone tells you they were hurt. The first few minutes of how you respond can shape everything after. Believe them, don't interrogate, don't take over, and ask what they want.
Read →Self & relationalReporting
You never owe anyone a report. What your options are, what to write down, what the Arsclepius report page actually does, and how organizers can receive a report well.
Read →RelationalRestorative Justice vs Shame & Exile
Most communities only know two tools for harm: pretend it didn't happen, or shame and exile. There is a third, and it's harder.
Read →Self & relationalTurning These Tools Into Weapons
Every tool in this library can be used as a weapon. Here's what that looks like, on the receiving end and from the inside.
Read →Self & relationalCHARMED Relationship Check-In
A fillable worksheet for relationship check-ins. Eight steps plus quick, new-relationship, and long-term variants. Download as text or save as PDF.
Read →In practiceCharmed in Practice: Cornell
A real case study. How the 2024 Chi Phi case at Cornell shows every failure this library names, and what any host can learn from it.
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